December 08th, 2022

Managing Holiday Stress: Tips for Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

​Lauren Chapin, LICSW

“No” is one of the first words we learn to say as children. As we grow older, though,  it often becomes more difficult to deny what is requested of us. We say yes to staying later at work, yes to a favor for a friend, and yes to last minute weekend plans. While none of these examples are necessarily negative, sometimes we find ourselves overcommitted which can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion.

Why is it so difficult to say no?

A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that people who reject a request overestimate the negative consequences of doing so. For example, somebody may believe that they will sour a relationship by declining an invitation to a party, when on average, the reaction would actually be much less severe. Fear of rejection or abandonment also come into play when considering declining an invitation, request, or favor. If you think that somebody might be angry and not want to associate with you anymore, it's much more difficult to say no. 

Two additional reasons we may find ourselves drowning in commitments are guilt and the fear of missing out (colloquially known as FOMO). We may not want to say no to a favor because it comes from a person who we feel indebted to in some way. Further, if your friends are all getting together, it could be difficult to exclude yourself from the festivities only to hear later about what a great time everybody had. 

What are boundaries and why should I set them?

Boundaries are the metaphorical line that we draw in the sand to signal to others what we are and are not willing to accept, how we wish to be treated, our physical space, our values, and our desires. As it pertains to time or favors, boundaries are a helpful way to exhibit and model self-care around respecting your own time, limitations, and schedule. 

Setting boundaries around your time also allows you to make space for the people and things that mean the most to you and to foster these connections with deliberate focus. When we are more discerning about where our time goes, we are less likely to feel burnt out or resentful. Boundaries also help us to separate our own needs and desires from those around us and to communicate this separation in a healthy way. Although your family member might want you to do something, if you are unable to or don’t want to, saying no communicates both to you and to them that their desire is not your responsibility. 

How do I set healthy boundaries?

Begin with an honest inventory of why you have difficulty saying no in the first place. Knowing where the problem originates will help you to work through it. Second, identify your values to provide a frame for the tough decisions you have to make when thinking about how to spend your time. For example, if you know that you value family, you can fall back on this value when trying to decide whether to stay late at work or go home for dinner. 

Once you have a better understanding of what is important to you, the next step is to practice. It takes a lot of effort to change ingrained habits and it will be uncomfortable at first! However, the more consistent you can be with your boundaries, the better the outcome will be as those around you learn what they can expect from you and what you expect from them in return. 

​Sample script for rejecting a request

“I appreciate [the invitation, you reaching out, you thinking of me], that sounds like [a good time, something I’d enjoy, fun]. [Unfortunately, Regrettably, Sadly] I [won’t be able to attend/make it, have other commitments, am not available]. I hope [you have a good time, it goes well, we can see each other soon].” If you desire to make plans with this person in the future, you can add “let’s plan something for [insert time here].” If you do not desire to make plans with this person in the future, you do not have to leave the door open. This is part of setting solid boundaries!