By Niamh Smithers, MA

    Throughout childhood and adolescence, there are built in systems that help us meet and connect with others: school, organized sports, extra curricular activities… you name it! After high school, some individuals go on to higher education at colleges and universities where the options for clubs, social groups, and opportunities for connection seem somewhat endless.

Regardless of the way in which you entered what I’ll refer to as “working adulthood,” I believe there is a common struggle that many people experience at one point or another when these systems start to break down...

How do I make friends as an adult? 

     So what happens when we no longer have the built in systems to help us make and maintain our relationships? As society evolves into using more and more technology, how do we stay truly connected to one another? And while, in many cases, technology has supported people being able to connect more through long distance phone calls, FaceTimes or social media, how do we continue using these tools to foster connection rather than create easy opportunities for disconnection. In other words, in the age of highlight reels, ghosting, and remote working, how and where do we find our people? 
Step 1: Find and Foster Your Authentic Self
    Understanding yourself and your experiences is a great starting place if your goal is to find connection with others. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying before, “People don’t often remember what you did, but they remember how you made them feel.” Have you ever considered how behaviors you engage in throughout the day make you feel?

    So often we “go through the motions” and are left feeling burnt out, numb, or disconnected from ourselves and our environments at the end of the day, which can easily translate into our relationships. While the primary message of this blog post is about connection with others, step one involves connecting with ourselves, which can be a powerful catalyst for creating and maintaining  interpersonal relationships.

   If we are engaging with the external world in an authentic way, it can increase the chances we find other people who share similar interests or goals. Learning about and understanding our own limits, boundaries, and values can provide a great blueprint for how we want to feel about ourselves within our relationships. Next time you are spending time with other people, try noticing how your own energy, engagement, or self-perception changes (or doesn’t change) following the interaction. 
Step 2: Explore Likes, Dislikes, and Unknowns.
    If I asked you your favorite and least favorite food, you would probably be able to come up with an answer rather quickly. If I asked you to name a food you have never tried but are open to trying, that might take some more thought.

   When I say “explore likes, dislikes, and unknowns,” I essentially mean: stay open! To provide an example: Growing up, I never understood the desire to eat raw fish, yet I always found myself feeling like I was “missing out” when friends would get excited to get sushi. For a while, I only ate rolls that had vegetables or fully cooked fish, yet I could never say, “I don’t like sushi” as a way to explore other dining options because I had never truly tried it.

   One afternoon, with the support of my partner’s reassurance, I felt brave enough to try some sashimi (the rawest form of fish you could possibly order at a sushi restaurant). And let me tell you… that one brave, low-stakes leap of faith to try something I had never tried before (and was honestly a bit scared of) led me to discovering one of my favorite foods! This had a domino effect and led to me feeling more confident accompanying my friends to sushi outings, which led to me finding one of my favorite restaurants that serves excellent sushi while musicians perform live jazz (another new “like” I discovered), which in turn led to me planning more outings with my friends.

   All of this is to say, it is great to know what we like and don’t like. However, knowing what you like and dislike can sometimes create limitations or self-limiting beliefs. I used to believe I could never join my friends for sushi because I never ate “real sushi,” and it was those anxieties/fears and my assumed judgment from others that prevented me from exploring the unknowns.

   Next time you are presented with an opportunity to try something new, whether that be food, activities, or experiences, see if you notice any anxieties or fears emerge and ask yourself: would you like to live expansively or restrictively? 
Step 3: Explore Your Communities
    Now that you’ve built up an understanding of your authentic self and you’ve become open to the unknowns and potential limitations that can come with rigidly defined likes and dislikes, where do you look for your people?

   Let’s start with a list of general spaces to begin looking to increase your chances for meeting new people: volunteer opportunities, book clubs, local intramural sports, fitness classes, spiritual or religious groups, or hobby classes. You may be sitting there saying, “But how do I find these communities?” Some options for starting your search include: looking up your favorite coffee shop or book store to see if they host open mics or post about book clubs in the area. I often see those old-school tear off posters on bulletin boards in my local community hot spots, but I have rarely stopped to actually tear one off!

   When in doubt, Google is always there to help broaden your search. It may be helpful to start with a prompt such as “(insert hobby/activity) groups near (town I live in or near)”. Another way to explore your communities could be simply making an effort to do tasks you are used to finishing at home out of ease and comfort, and challenging yourself to go to a local library, cafe, or park (weather permitting!).
Step 4: Maintenance
    As people transition further into adulthood, making plans to see friends can feel like a full-time job. Many friends move to different states, take demanding jobs, or simply don’t have the capacity to maintain friendships the way they did when those build-in-systems were in place. It can be an uncomfortable and challenging time when our friends aren’t as available as they once were, or even when we find ourselves lacking capacity to maintain our friendships the way we would like to.

   Key pieces of the maintenance puzzle are: being flexible, honoring limits, and communicating openly. I am intentionally putting “flexibility” and “honoring limits” next to each other because they almost contradict one another. Honoring limits does not necessarily mean being rigid and inflexible…and being flexible doesn’t necessarily mean sacrificing your own needs to maintain relationships by being overly flexible (because that can be a slippery slope!). Step 4 can sometimes be lumped into Step 1 in that, to honor your limits in interpersonal relationships, you must first understand what those limits are! After that, it’s up to you to communicate those limits to your friends.
Being an adult is hard…meaningful connection to others can make it a little easier! 
​If you’ve read this far and are still thinking, “Man…I wish there was a simpler, less wordy, less personally anecdotal way to learn about this!” you’re in luck! The mindfulness app Headspace, wrote a to-the-point article that can offer some additional ideas to support you in making connections: https://www.headspace.com/articles/make-friends-as-adult 

by Kerrie Toole, LICSW
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Holidays can be a time of togetherness and celebration for many, while for others, there can be significant amounts of stress and loneliness. This time of year, I often work with my clients to develop a “Cope Ahead” plan for the holidays, so they can be prepared for tensions or stressors that often arise.

The first step of creating a “Cope Ahead” plan is to get clear on what your boundaries and limits are, before going into any particular setting. Boundaries are internal facing - these are developed by having self-awareness of where your vulnerabilities or sensitivities are, and what you will or will not do in response to your environment. Limits are external facing - for example, how do you express to someone that you are not comfortable continuing a discussion on a certain topic, or how do you talk with someone about expectations prior to an event. 

The best way to confidently set boundaries and limits that stick is to be proactive. When we are already in a stressful situation and try to set boundaries and limits in the heat of the moment, our actions may come from a place of overwhelm. If overwhelmed, we may overshoot the mark of what we are trying to accomplish, and then later feel guilty. By creating a structured plan ahead of time, we can avoid going into a holiday event feeling on edge and waiting for that “thing” that often happens that leads us to explode or feel hurt, angry, or sad. Instead, we can have confidence in a rehearsed response, and go into situations expecting to be effective when faced with a challenging interaction.

It’s important to note here that sometimes being effective is not necessarily about being “right.” If we try to convince others with a different view that our perspective is “right” and they are “wrong,” usually that results in an argument. That’s probably not the energy we’re looking for during a holiday gathering. So we can ask ourselves, “what is the most effective thing I can do in this situation?” Consider how you want to feel about yourself and your choices. What will make you most proud of yourself?

Part of planning ahead of time for the holidays is to have a game plan about what resources you can use during times of stress, and that those resources are available when needed. Here are some of the common questions I ask clients when we are developing their “Cope Ahead” plan for the holidays:

1. What events that could cause you distress are likely to happen? What dynamics have happened in the past that might happen again? 
2. Will you be by yourself during all or part of the holiday? What would make those moments more comforting for you? 
3. How do you usually feel on the holiday? At family events? When on your own?
4. What is the most effective way that YOU can respond to comments or situations? You may want to yell and scream, but would that actually do anything productive?
5. What are YOUR boundaries on tolerating others’ statements or actions?
6. What is your strategy if that boundary is challenged? Is there an effective way to end a discussion where you are feeling overwhelmed? Worst case, is there an effective way to leave the gathering, if needed (think about parking and how to make sure you can get out easily, or drive yourself)? 
7. Who are your allies at a gathering? Can you work together for support by giving each other glances from across the room or by sticking together?
8. Gamify it! Use a website to randomize invalidations, comments, and annoyances that you are likely to experience into Bingo cards and pass them around to people closest to you, and whoever gets Bingo by the end of the night gets a prize. Maybe each of you in your friend group is at their own holiday function and can share updates on group messages. Or, each of you keep count of how many times you effectively manage a complicated situation and whoever has the largest number at the end of the night “wins.”

In order to be most prepared in challenging situations, I recommend that people document their “Cope Ahead” plans on their phones or on paper, and keep the plans with them. If you plan to use coping strategies such as a soothing smell, a fidget, coloring, an ice pack for your face to cool yourself down, etc., be sure to bring those items with you. Additionally, having another person to remind you of your “Cope Ahead” plan in the moment could be quite helpful - think of a code word that can be a reminder or a signal that you have effective skills that you can apply.

By taking a proactive approach to planning effective responses to stressful situations, holiday events can be more enjoyable (or at least tolerable) this season.

By Niamh Smithers, M.A.

Whether you get along with your family, have difficult family relationships, celebrate holidays with friends, or don’t celebrate certain holidays at all, this time of year can bring up a lot of mixed emotions for people. Not only are there often added stressors around finances, relationships, and social obligations, but the time change and colder weather can impact each individual differently. And while each person is unique in how they navigate the stressors involved with this time of year, it can be helpful to prepare a plan ahead of time for how to handle difficult emotions or situations to feel more confident going into these experiences. 

I often find myself struggling during this time of year due to the lack of sunlight, the colder weather, and the overstimulation involved with holiday shopping, socializing, etc. My family typically hosts Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings, which can make it even more difficult to set limits around how much time I’m spending with family. I find myself wanting to escape to charge my “social battery” when it’s running low more regularly, too. Whether you’re the house hosting, traveling for the holidays, or having a solo stay-cation this winter season, here are some helpful tips to prepare yourself: 

1. Manage physical vulnerabilities

• Eating regularly, drinking enough water, moving your body, taking your medications (if this applies to you), limiting caffeine and prioritizing quality sleep in the days leading up to and following potentially stressful or anxiety provoking situations can help support you in managing intense emotions or conflicts more effectively if/when they arise. Engaging in self-care can support you in proactively reducing your susceptibility to fatigue, illness, mood fluctuations, etc. 

  2. Check-in with your emotions

• Do you experience physical sensations or thoughts that help you in recognizing different emotions? Perhaps your heart rate increases or you have more difficulty regulating your breathing when you’re feeling anxious. Or maybe you get a sinking feeling in your stomach if someone makes a comment that hurts your feelings and leads to negative self-talk thoughts. Identifying your “cues” to different emotions can be a helpful first step for understanding how to regulate those different emotions and feel more confident feeling your way through difficult moments. 
• Some individuals may find it helpful to identify certain family members or topics that are likely to activate intense emotions and collaboratively brainstorm a script or role-play handling those situations with your therapist.

3. Make a list of enjoyable activities

• Sometimes when we are feeling intense emotions, we can forget what tools help us feel better in the moment. Having a list of or access to hobbies or relaxing activities can help to easily remind yourself of ways to boost your mood, decrease anxiety, or take a moment for yourself when there is too much going on around you. Some examples could be: bringing a book to read, planning to go for a walk, coloring activities, listening to music or spending time with your pets.

4. Make your “escape” plan:

• While we are unable to control other people’s actions or words, or sometimes even the environments we find ourselves in during the holidays, we can create a sense of control by coming up with ways to take a moment for ourselves to regroup if emotions or tension rises. 
• For example, sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, I will say my dog “needs to go outside” and I will go outside with him. Whether he actually needs to go outside or not, it gives me a second to get fresh air, regulate my emotions, and spend time away from other people. 
• Another example could be: taking a separate car if you are able or collaborating with other family members about what time you’d like to leave before you arrive at various events to feel prepared and honor your limits around spending time with others or in stressful environments.​

  5. Be kind to yourself!

• This time of year can carry a lot of pressure whether societally, from our families, or from ourselves. Practicing positive self-talk and self-compassion can help support you in feeling grounded in yourself. Telling yourself, “I can do hard things”, “I’ve survived 100% of my worst days”, “I am enough just the way I am” or reminding yourself of something you have to look forward to in the future can be a great way to go into this stressful time of year with at least one person in your corner…YOU! 

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