Improve Your Connection: Avoid These Accidentally Damaging Responses

Improve Your Connection: Avoid These Accidentally Damaging Responses

​By David Polidi, LICSW

Sometimes we do things - with the best intentions - that derail conversations, and by extension, hurt relationships. Usually, we think we are doing something positive and helping the conversation, but to the other person it can feel the opposite. Here are some common responses that unintentionally hurt conversations.

THE FIX IT RESPONSE
In this culture, if something is broken, let’s fix it! Isn’t this what everyone wants? Well, not necessarily! Jumping in to offer advice is an accidental invalidation of that person’s emotions, because the message to them is to stop feeling what they are feeling because it is making YOU uncomfortable. 

​More times than we realize, the other person just wants you to be with them, and help them sit with a difficult emotion. Someone might be thinking, “I am sad right now, and I just want you to know that I am sad. Being with me, and being with this emotion helps me not feel alone.” Resist the urge to fix the problem for them. Instead try something like, “I am here, and I want to know more about your experience. What response would be helpful for you?”


BEING RIGHT

A lot of times in conversations someone might think, “I can tell we both feel differently about this subject. Let’s take emotion out of it, and just figure out who is right so we can move on.” This assumes a right and a wrong, and then as a result someone feels judged or blamed. 

It can be very helpful and healing in a conversation to get to a place where all perspectives are valued, and we can hold two opposing sides in a conversation simultaneously. “You are right, and I am right, even though we have different perspectives.” In this way, we can look closer at the needs of each person, and can successfully resolve a situation without accidentally dismissing, blaming, or ignoring.

STORY TOPPING

A lot of times, we share a story as a way of connecting and sharing something meaningful about ourselves. We build stronger bonds with each when we share vulnerabilities. However, Story Topping is when someone is sharing a perspective or story, and we respond by saying, “Yes, that same thing happened to me, let me tell you all about it…”

The intention might not be to shift the conversation to yourself or to try and tell a better story. However, it can feel that things have all of a sudden become competitive. This could even make someone shut down, and not want to hear your perspective. Before jumping to replace the story with your experience, take a moment to just take in the information that someone is sharing and consider what kind of a response they may be seeking from you.

QUESTIONING AND PROBING

We are not Sherlock Holmes, and we do not need to apply deductive reasoning skills to conversations! If someone is sharing a vulnerable moment, having a barrage of questions thrown at them will feel overwhelming. The person will perceive that they cannot share their perspective authentically because they need to keep answering your questions to satisfy your curiosity.  

Instead, it can be a lot more effective to be present in the conversation and show interest in their experience, and allow the discussion to go where it wants to. If we focus too much on getting information from them, it can begin to feel like an interrogation. 

PRAISING

Praise can be healing and powerful, however, it can also feel empty and inauthentic if there is no thought and feeling in the praise. To have meaningful praise, it is helpful to explore 3 elements: (1) The specific actions of the other person and how connecting this to attributes you admire or appreciate (2) How these behaviors positively impacted your feelings and (3) A need that you had that was addressed by these actions. All of this leads to a deeper conversation, because it helps the other person feel understood, seen and appreciated. 

Please remember, it is OK to make mistakes; conversations, like life, are messy! By being aware of some of these roadblocks, you can be more mindful during sensitive discussions, your conversations will feel warmer, and your relationships will be stronger.