Holiday Stress - Are You Prepared?

Holiday Stress - Are You Prepared?

by Kerrie Toole, LICSW
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Holidays can be a time of togetherness and celebration for many, while for others, there can be significant amounts of stress and loneliness. This time of year, I often work with my clients to develop a “Cope Ahead” plan for the holidays, so they can be prepared for tensions or stressors that often arise.

The first step of creating a “Cope Ahead” plan is to get clear on what your boundaries and limits are, before going into any particular setting. Boundaries are internal facing - these are developed by having self-awareness of where your vulnerabilities or sensitivities are, and what you will or will not do in response to your environment. Limits are external facing - for example, how do you express to someone that you are not comfortable continuing a discussion on a certain topic, or how do you talk with someone about expectations prior to an event. 

The best way to confidently set boundaries and limits that stick is to be proactive. When we are already in a stressful situation and try to set boundaries and limits in the heat of the moment, our actions may come from a place of overwhelm. If overwhelmed, we may overshoot the mark of what we are trying to accomplish, and then later feel guilty. By creating a structured plan ahead of time, we can avoid going into a holiday event feeling on edge and waiting for that “thing” that often happens that leads us to explode or feel hurt, angry, or sad. Instead, we can have confidence in a rehearsed response, and go into situations expecting to be effective when faced with a challenging interaction.

It’s important to note here that sometimes being effective is not necessarily about being “right.” If we try to convince others with a different view that our perspective is “right” and they are “wrong,” usually that results in an argument. That’s probably not the energy we’re looking for during a holiday gathering. So we can ask ourselves, “what is the most effective thing I can do in this situation?” Consider how you want to feel about yourself and your choices. What will make you most proud of yourself?

Part of planning ahead of time for the holidays is to have a game plan about what resources you can use during times of stress, and that those resources are available when needed. Here are some of the common questions I ask clients when we are developing their “Cope Ahead” plan for the holidays:

1. What events that could cause you distress are likely to happen? What dynamics have happened in the past that might happen again? 
2. Will you be by yourself during all or part of the holiday? What would make those moments more comforting for you? 
3. How do you usually feel on the holiday? At family events? When on your own?
4. What is the most effective way that YOU can respond to comments or situations? You may want to yell and scream, but would that actually do anything productive?
5. What are YOUR boundaries on tolerating others’ statements or actions?
6. What is your strategy if that boundary is challenged? Is there an effective way to end a discussion where you are feeling overwhelmed? Worst case, is there an effective way to leave the gathering, if needed (think about parking and how to make sure you can get out easily, or drive yourself)? 
7. Who are your allies at a gathering? Can you work together for support by giving each other glances from across the room or by sticking together?
8. Gamify it! Use a website to randomize invalidations, comments, and annoyances that you are likely to experience into Bingo cards and pass them around to people closest to you, and whoever gets Bingo by the end of the night gets a prize. Maybe each of you in your friend group is at their own holiday function and can share updates on group messages. Or, each of you keep count of how many times you effectively manage a complicated situation and whoever has the largest number at the end of the night “wins.”

In order to be most prepared in challenging situations, I recommend that people document their “Cope Ahead” plans on their phones or on paper, and keep the plans with them. If you plan to use coping strategies such as a soothing smell, a fidget, coloring, an ice pack for your face to cool yourself down, etc., be sure to bring those items with you. Additionally, having another person to remind you of your “Cope Ahead” plan in the moment could be quite helpful - think of a code word that can be a reminder or a signal that you have effective skills that you can apply.

By taking a proactive approach to planning effective responses to stressful situations, holiday events can be more enjoyable (or at least tolerable) this season.