Book Recommendation for Couples: Us by Terrance RealBy David Polidi, LICSW
If you have answered “Yes” to any of these questions, I have a book recommendation for you: Terrence Real’s book, simply titled, Us. The book consists of a multitude of tools and concepts to help one feel closer to his/ her/ their partner. It includes many case examples of ways couples implemented these tools to improve their connection. One of the tenets of the book is that couples need to view themselves as an “Us” and no longer as a “me and you.” When stuck in a feeling of “me and you,” according to the author, there is more blame and feelings of “I am right, you are wrong.” In fact, Real goes on to say, “there is no place for objective reality in personal relationships.” To me, this translates as: There is no “right” and no “wrong,” the only thing that matters is how we feel, and both perceptions are correct and valid. When we are focused on “Us” both of our experiences matter and should be honored. For someone like me, who bee-lines over to the psychology section in a bookstore to look through all of the new titles of the self-help books on the shelf, this book does not disappoint. Bruce Springsteen even weighs in, at the beginning of the book, to lend his support to it. Springsteen described how the book helped guide him through his own failures buried deep in his personal life. If you are looking for an interesting discussion on ways to navigate through relationship struggles, and are looking for a new book to add to your “to-read” list, I invite you to check out this book, and see if it is something you would like to read. Maybe this could be just the thing to help you and your partner move into a relationship of “Us” for the new year. David Polidi, LICSW David is a licensed independent clinical social worker who completed his undergraduate studies at Clark University and received his graduate degrees from Boston University. David works primarily with adults and older adolescents, and enjoys using Motivational Interviewing and EMDR therapy to help clients increase hope and imagine/ realize a better future.
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Clinician Spotlight: An Interview with Jill Walden, LICSWLauren Chapin, LICSWWelcome to the second installment of Clinician Spotlight, a series where I sit down with some of our wonderful therapists for a cozy conversation about work, mental health, and many life tidbits in between. This month, it was a joy to chat with Jill Walden, LICSW, Castlebrook’s newest addition to the team. Jill and I caught up over Zoom where she described what being a clinician at Castlebrook has been like, the rewards of being a therapist, and of course, which video game she winds down with after her work day.
******** Lauren: Jill, you’re fairly new to the team at Castlebrook! What has your experience been like so far? Jill: It’s been wonderful. I hadn’t done individual therapy before, and I was more accustomed to family therapy and different clinical settings, so I was really excited to get into the individual space. I’ve enjoyed the opportunity I’ve had here to be able to expand, learn new things, and build my own unique practice. Being able to settle in and take things at my own pace has been great. I can’t imagine a more positive experience starting out and I think anybody would be happy working here! Lauren: It sounds like you’ve been able to begin carving out your own niche and exploring what individual therapy means to you. What have you found to be some of the most rewarding parts of being a therapist? Jill: An especially rewarding part of being an individual therapist, in comparison to some of the other roles I’ve been in, has been seeing a client’s growth over time and feeling like I’m part of that growth. I love being able to help and be the agent of change for a client. To hear somebody say, “I really thought about this thing you said” is rewarding because I don’t always expect that what I say will stick! Even if they don’t tell me though, it feels good to be a listening ear and a safe space, especially when many people don’t have that space in their own lives. Lauren: How would you say your clinical style has evolved since you began your individual work? Jill: It definitely depends on the person. I lean towards CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy), and I would love to learn more about DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). Underlying all of these modalities is the ability to be mindful, build self-awareness, and look at how we are thinking about a situation and try to adjust that thought process. Positive self-talk, being able to see ourselves in a new way, and changing the narrative of how we’re relating in the world are also important. I help people identify where they want to be and then help them get there. We problem solve in a way that’s meaningful to a client and build on what they’re already doing to reach success. I hope to continue to learn and add to my toolbox as I go. Lauren: So Jill, I know that something that makes you unique is that you really enjoy gaming! What is your favorite video game and how would you say gaming factors into your self-care? Jill: I actually have a list ranking my favorite games [laughs]. My favorite games of all time are Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn. They are tactical strategy games and they’re my favorites in part because of the memories of playing alongside my siblings. They’re very story-driven as well which leads into why games are so important to me and what I get out of them–I’m all about the story it’s telling. I liken it to reading a book or watching a movie, but instead you’re experiencing it and going along for the ride. It’s escapism in a positive way–for enjoyment. Another series that is very important to me is Legend of Zelda. Lauren: What would you tell a client about the importance of hobbies and how they factor into mental health? Jill: As a society we put so much value on overworking ourselves and adulting is hard [laughs]. We need space to express ourselves, relax, and feel like we’re working towards something outside of our career. Hobbies for me are something to feel excited about at the end of a long day. For those of us that are lucky to like the work we do, hobbies are a great addition, but many people work in situations that are not their dream job and in that case, hobbies can fill that void of needing to feel enjoyment and passion. Lauren: Shifting gears a bit back to the therapy sphere, what is your favorite therapeutic metaphor or phrase? Jill: Two of them come to mind. The first is the idea that when you are on an airplane and there is a moment of need, the oxygen masks drop down. It’s important that we put our own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else; metaphor being that we have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others, which can be very hard. A second metaphor is that learning new therapeutic skills is like learning a new instrument. It’s clunky at first and it takes time to do well. You have to intentionally practice every day, even when you don’t want to. Lauren: Who have you been looking up to in the field recently? Jill: I have two answers. One is Dr. Russ Harris who is an ACT trainer and author of the book The Happiness Trap. I really appreciate his frankness and his expansion of ACT material to make it more accessible. Next, much more locally, is Kerrie Toole [laughs]. It’s incredible to see the business she has created and she is such a help to all of us. If I can channel even a fraction of her energy, passion, and commitment, I would be happy. Lauren: Last question, what would tell a parent whose child is nervous to come to therapy? Jill: I would validate that, yeah, talking about your feelings is hard, especially to a stranger. With kids, I pretend that I’m a “feelings doctor” and make the connection for them that they go to the primary care doctor to get better medically and that “the feelings doctor” is there to help them work on their emotions in order to feel better. Lauren: I love that. Thank you for sitting down to chat with me Jill, I can’t wait to see where your career in individual therapy takes you! Clinician Spotlight: An Interview with Cynthia Williams, LMHCBy Lauren Chapin, LICSW Welcome to Castlebrook’s newest blog series, Clinician Spotlight! In this series, I will be sitting down with some of our wonderful therapists for a cozy conversation about work, mental health, and many life tidbits in between. This month, I was honored to chat with Cynthia Williams, LMHC who has been a therapist at Castlebrook since 2019. Cynthia and I shared some early morning laughs through Zoom as she detailed her path to becoming a therapist, her unique style, as well as what book she is currently reading (and thinks you should too!). ******** Lauren: What made you want to become a therapist? Cynthia: That’s a really great question. Actually, I wanted to be a teacher from the very first memory I have. I was even pretending to teach my dolls! Then, in 9th grade, I took an early college class in psychology and I was like, “now THIS is for me.” I loved learning about Pavlov, conditioning, Sigmund Freud, and I already loved helping people…after that, I never waivered. It just fits so well. I think I even still have my old notebook where I drew diagrams of different sleep patterns. It made so much sense to me and because I never really fit in with my family, it was comforting to learn about human nature and what makes people tick in relationships. I was like, “oh, now THIS is going to explain everything” and it did. I loved learning about psychology because if I didn’t know it, then I couldn't address it. Lauren: How would you describe your therapeutic style? Cynthia: It depends! During intake, my spiel includes the fact that I’m really skills-based. My job is to work myself out of a job. If you want to see me for 15 years, go for it! I don’t know why you would want to [laughs], I’m a strong cup of tea, but my job is to make it so you can go back to your life at any point in time and not have to ask what my advice would be. I would say that I’m definitely a cheerleader for progress and my job is to support people into not only being the person they want to be, but to experience a life they want to experience regardless of the parts they can’t control. I also tell my clients that I would never ask them to do something that I haven’t already tried or that I’m not willing to try. I lead a lot like a role model, and I will say, “this is what works for me.” In a recent session, we focused on self-care and I said over and over that I have rules I live by as an “ADHD’er” and those rules work for me, it’s about finding what works for you. Conventional, unconventional, it doesn’t matter–what matters is that it works and that it’s healthy. Lauren: What is one of your rules as an “ADHD’er”? Cynthia: Whenever I leave a room, I have to take something out of that room that belongs to the room I’m going to. I’m a cup collector [laughs] and that’s how I clean. Lauren: What would you say to a person who is thinking about starting therapy but isn’t sure about taking the plunge? Cynthia: I would definitely say that there’s no reason to not invest in yourself, to not get help on the journey of being the person that you want to be. No one has to go on this journey alone. Even if you just show up once and never see me again, that’s okay. You showed up, you’re putting in effort, and you’re answering all of these tough questions. You’re trying. You’re putting the feelers out there even if it’s not for you and I’m proud of you for even considering doing that. I do like to say, “what’s the worst thing that could happen? You have a few sessions and you realize that you’re really well adjusted and you don’t need it? Great!” [laughs]. I’m only here as long as you want me to be here. We can build slowly or hit the ground running. I’m also very validation based. If you’re putting this much effort into changing your day to day life and you’ve improved your experience this much, it's not because of anything I did, it’s because of you. Lauren: What kind of clients do you work with? Cynthia: I work with everybody! There are some conditions that I have less comfortability with, but kids, teens, adults…teens love me! It’s because I curse in session [laughs]. I always say in intake that this is not going to be stiff. Who you are going to run into in Target with their bestie is who you are going to get in session. There is no reason for you to feel like I have all of the answers. I tell all of my clients that they’re the expert in the room. At the end of the 45 minutes, I get to walk away and mind my own business and they don’t. It has to be for them, it has to work for them. Lauren: What book are you reading right now? Cynthia: Ooooo I just finished my first reread of Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness. I also finished the Hobbit and I'm moving onto the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I have a rule. Anything that’s 200 pages or less I’ll read on my Kindle, anything more than that I listen through audiobooks. I also like reading spooky mysteries. I read everything. Lauren: If you could only recommend one or two mental health books, what would they be? Cynthia: The one that comes to mind is called Big Friendship by Aminatau Sow and Ann Friedman. It’s about two adult women who talk about the growth that long distance friendships and adult friendships require. I have read that book probably like four times. It talks about conflict resolution and how big emotions fit into complicated relationships. I remember reading it and going, “well this explains a lot!” Another book that I’m a massive fan of is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It’s about how the capabilities of kids do not always accurately reflect our expectations of them and how this can affect them. For example, telling a child that they can control their feelings when they absolutely cannot. It’s like we’re asking a fish to climb a tree. Kids do not have the same capacity as adults do. I’ve had kids tell me that they’re trying but that it’s not enough and I ask them, “did you try your best?” You’re never going to be good enough for anybody else until you’re good enough for yourself first. Lauren: That’s a great phrase! What are some other phrases or metaphors that you like to use in session? Cynthia: One thing I like to say is “how can we make things 1% better?” One percent is all I ever ask for. A lot of people say, “that’s not going to solve the problem.” And no, it’s not going to. But if it’s going to make it one percent better, is it worth the effort to get there? I’m very solution focused. I think that kind of fits with the whole, “it’s not my job to make you dependent on me.” I also always ask clients what they learned from today’s session. Clients always end up pointing out things about the session that I didn’t even notice. I’m all about the feedback, especially when it comes to mistakes. What feedback can you give yourself, what can you learn from this situation? Mistakes are for learning. Lauren: I appreciate you carving out time in your schedule to chat! What makes this important to you? Cynthia: I love stuff like this. I love humanizing healthcare providers. Sitting there and nodding [as a therapist] is for the birds. ****** At the time of this blog post, Cynthia is accepting new clients. Please fill out the intake form on our website or call our intake clinician at 508-475-9110 to inquire. |
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Castlebrook Counseling Services, Inc. is a group of private practice clinicians with a shared goal of strengthening our community by providing therapy and clinical support designed for children, adults, and families to successfully meet life’s challenges.